Came In Like A Lamb

o’come Emmanuel, we sing, praise and celebrate

what’s in a name…

2019 year of  shackles broken,

mud dried and cracked, fell like 

busted down walls

fuck your psychological prison cells

plain as day, transparency 

turned 46

in remission of symptoms

all year

functioning optimally

logic has re-entered the building

starting college again,

I’m going to be a chef!

God is with us;

up on my own two

again–

came in like a lamb, 

going out like the “Tiger” I am 

Taking my power back, 2020

ring up the curtain

it feels good to be back 

My name is:  Michelle

over and over again

the mind gets tripped and triggered

wrapped all up in illness

gaslight and walk away

like it ain’t nothin’

I ain’t mad

every time

I come out new and improved

like a vintage stingray split window coupe

pulled from the scrap yard

and restored

smoking tires to easy Sunday drives

“Om-shooby-doo-wop
ya know it’s gonna be alright”
With A Little Help From My Friends 
https://youtu.be/0C58ttB2-Qg

Here’s to a fresh 2020

so long 2019, you’ve been good to me!

unlike a moth to a flame

Seems often I catch a glimpse of Light

without even trying

through the cracked foundations–

plaster covered corruption.

brow raise of wonder, turn into questions 

quickly thrown a toy of distraction–

commence operation snuff her out.

delusional?  grandiose? 

sixth sense or common sense?

Standing, wondering, questioning myself, 

even asking– 

“am  I evil?”

 do I seek to harm?  No.

do I nag to be right?  No.

simply a matter of squinting–

I am drawn to the Light.

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, 

“I am the light of the world. 

Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, 

but will have the light of life.”
John 8:12

No worries.

After Church, a sermon that was very on point, and needed – leaving us with the question: 
“implausible, impossible, or Gospel?  You decide“

Gospel, I decide, as I made lunch.

No worries.  
Not my problem, it’s God’s problem.
Do God’s work and don’t worry about what anyone says, thinks or does to me…this is all part of being a disciple.    Don’t worry.  Period.    

I’m making lunch & realize it goes along with my *yesterday deep pondering:  

[*commandments and church and our duty to one another…I should not be afraid – who is doing the greater disservice?  Who is allowing such comfortable dependence turning into entitlement and sinful acts? As the church what does that say about how we hold true to the Bible – God’s written out instructions? As a society, mainstream immorality; are we the church succumbing to the world??? I have deep questions now–Spiritual contemplation as well as, my role as a Christian as well as, a church role]

And what keeps me awake is fear, don’t worry, is right, I am not having a mental breakdown and not headed that way so, why worry about it!  Yeah, I lol’ed a bit. 

At the end of the day, it boiled down, for me, to just stay true, people will get upset with you, the Gospel told us so.  The Gospel also tells us not to worry; 

Matthew 6:26-34 NKJV

²⁶ Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? ²⁷ Which of you by worrying can add one ^[a]cubit to his ^[b]stature?

Ty Albee Photo

²⁸ “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; ²⁹ and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not ^[c]arrayed like one of these. ³⁰ Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

³¹ “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. ³³ But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Raise Your Voice

There are those who will attempt to

gaslight,

trigger

and stigmatize you–

don’t let them get to you

don’t let them set you back!

Those folks motives have nothing to do with you
and everything to do with them– walk away 

Protecting yourself is not a sign of weakness

it is a sign of healthy boundaries

sound mind & strength!

Unfortunately, these attempts are a bright light to how important raising our voice is!

Wordless

 Silence 


A prequel to a quiet place 


I find sanctuary

*Trigger Warning*

“Can you help me I’m bent
I’m so scared that I’ll never
Get put back together “

The CD I fell in love with twenty years ago and I still find myself gravitating to as being understood is, “Yourself or Someone Like You” by Matchbox 20. Their follow up, “Mad Season”, is more a nod of preaching to the choir, with the exception of “Bent”. Bent is, often…

I just turned 46–It’s not how I envisioned it; “Well I always say, it would be good to go away
But if things don’t work out like we think
And there’s nothing there to ease this ache
But if there’s nothing there to make things change
If it’s the same for you I’ll just hang“

“See I couldn’t tell, if anyone here was feeling the way I do
But it’s over now, and I don’t know how, guess it’s over now
There’s no getting back to good“; I really don’t. I’m not even sure what the hell.

“I wish the real world, would just stop hassling me
I wish the real world, would just stop hassling me
I wish the real world, would just stop hassling me”

It’s better than nothing…oh man, I recall, so vividly, so much of this now 46. Night terrors for years. In my 20’s there were three suicide attempts; the first two were just “for attention”, not my words, looking back they were a lack of coping skills, PTSD and overwhelmed by feeling: “she’s been here too few years to feel this old “. The third, and final, attempt was at 29. There was no mistaking this was not just for attention–I was done, D.O.N.E. While I was hallucinating I was screaming at family, not knowing they weren’t even there. Hooked up to multiple things, with my arms strapped to the gurney so I’d stop pulling out IV’s. First and only time I have ever had a catheter, enough to deter thoughts of self harm on its own. I do not know how many days I was in the hospital what I do know is I almost succeeded. I saw my dead Grandfather in a waiting area off in the distance, gave me comfort–I knew, not even being fully conscious, I’ll be okay. Almost two months later a psychotic break…again, I recall, so vividly, and God knows I wish I didn’t;

It’s been a long day, always ain’t that right

Oh, ain’t that right

It’s me, yeah well I can’t myself to go away

Hey, well it’s me, yeah well I can’t get myself to go away

Oh God I shouldn’t feel this way, now”

Now, I am not suicidal. I have learned, with hard work in therapy, how to manage and cope much better. In addition giving up self medicating and numbing with alcohol almost six years ago. I just can’t shake some things done and some things been done to. I can’t seem to shake the almost “dry drunk” syndrome;

“So please hand me the bottle, I think I’m lonely now

And please give me direction, I think the hurt set in

And I don’t feel nothing

I don’t feel nothing, no I don’t feel nothing

There’s nothing to feel good about here” Kody

But it’s better than nothing. Like a shadow fading in and out similar to the transporter on Star Trek. I just keep getting older, looking back on how much different and yes, better life is. Past the 45 mark;

“She’s got a little bit of something, God it’s better than nothing
And in her color portrait world she believes that she’s got it all
She swears the moon don’t hang quite as high as it used to”

3AM https://youtu.be/C-Naa1HXeDQ

*wink*

no more masking

said one hundred twenty three times, easily,

randomly pulling this number out of my ass,

like most things done

and or said

in my closing in on forty six years here;

I’m a bit mentally behind,

second guessing

what is meant by a lot of things,

afraid to inquire,

behind closed doors

googling simple things,

often more confused and scared

than anyone could fathom;

hell, if I said it out loud

you’d laugh—I’m so funny like that…

Popeye had his spinach

I chose ‘liquid courage’,

seat of my pants and ass-backward

could care less

like Pigpen’s cloud of dust

high functioning drunk,

add in mental illnesses and what do you get?

and the Oscar goes to–

Miss Albee

AKA one hot fricken’ mess…

SN: with a “killer smile” & really great hair! 

*wink*

to the untrained eye

just trying to find my way,

“What Color Is Your Parachute?”,

yeah, I had a friend gift me this is the early 1990’s…

hitting my knees-literally-in 2007

screaming, what I now know to be a lament,

followed by a bureaucratic “fall from Grace” ~

tripped, without missing a step,

into the arms of God-literally-

sober, closing in on six years,

and vice free…

here’s to closing in on 46 more years here

*wink*

https://days.to/until/3-august

People Run From People Who Judge Them, And Run To People Who Love Them

Amen.
“the people of the religious groups that we call brothers and sisters in Christ have made a big mess of “His Way,” and made it into their way.”

not quite

For this people’s heart has become calloused;
    they hardly hear with their ears,
    and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
    hear with their ears,
    understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them.

Matthew 13:15

Well, we certainly can’t air our dirty laundry and show just how unclean we really are especially when we seek new members and refer to ourselves as “all are welcome”.  But not quite all included…

I wrote a paragraph to help people better include folks like me because when the time came I was left breezing in the wind…until I was better, of course or as soon as I would be better and how long will that be…

Here is the paragraph they altered and printed, so dripping sweet, like we like:
“We need to have kindness – reach out and check in with people. I know there are others who live with mental illness, like me. I suffered a trauma in 2015 that was the catalyst for a rapid-cycling Bipolar roller-coaster. Some reached out to say we miss you; when will you be back; we need you here; I get the same way; we need to have lunch. That was important.” – Ty Albee
 

*Incorrect–It was insulting, rhetorically insulting.  I get the same way to a bipolar person in an episode, really, tell me more how your bad day equation fix should take care of my ‘issue’ and get me back on that gotta do x,y,z wagon for others…


Here is the real paragraph:

“We need to have kindness – reach out and check in with people. It isn’t just the Deacons job. I know there are others who live with mental illness, like me. I suffered a trauma in 2015 which was a catalyst for a rapid cycling Bipolar ride from hell. I did hear we miss you, when will you be back on Thursdays, we need you here, I get the same way, we need to have lunch, but nobody even offered to bring me a casserole. There were months when I was MIA from church; a shower by 5 pm was a huge ‘woo hoo’ for me! Not for nothing, I catch enough stigma day-to-day that the last thing I need here is “at best” inclusion…meaning I am at other’s idea of my best.” – Ty Albee

**Honest to God, this is so typical, twisting and conforming everything to fit nice and neat with the church cover box…BS, bullshit.  Y’all got work to do and if y’all can’t keep it real, I ain’t rollin’ fake!

Until the church aka the Religious Corporations, as I often feel is a better description than Religious Institutions, start to be honest about the negative affects they have [had] on people, like me, who live with a Mental Illness they truly are still blind…

Matthew 15:14  Leave them; they are blind guides.^[a] If the blind lead the blind, both will fall into a pit.”

“Opinions” heard yet, they are still deaf…

Isaiah 30:21  And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.

> $850,000,000,000.00

This holiday season a six year sales record was hit — USA spent more than $850 Billion dollars…let that sink in. Merry Christmas?

https://www.thestreet.com/personal-finance/retailers-shrug-off-stock-turmoil-and-ring-up-strong-holiday-sales-14820420

I’ve felt a numb boredom to the point of skipping Christmas Eve services. I have pondered; was it no snow, no watching those kids I purchased for open the gifts, my missing my always under-foot feline companion–on and on…I feel, for me, I have become so accustomed to our commercialization of Christmas that I need to re-engage myself with the core, true (self) core of this holiday to enjoy in a more natural way. 

 Perhaps, hearing that church pews hit record numbers of worshipers or there’s a significant rise in random door-to-door carolers amid the worldly chaos or that the homeless population is on a decline. I dunno but hearing about Wall Street and Mastercard usage numbers just gives joy to me–the kind of Joy that says, yes!, this is why I felt a numb (disengage) boredom!  I am overcome with traditional Christmas boredom, the kind that tells me all this is not what Christmas is about…

to the earth it gave great light